It’s curious how quickly my heart fluctuates between confidence in the Lord and feelings of frustration and despair. In the last two days alone I’ve probably gone back and forth between feeling sure that God will provide for my support needs and despairing that He won’t 4 times or more.
Again and again I’ve said to people asking about this internship “I’m confident God will provide.” Maybe it’s time for a little more honest (realistic) answer. I am not positive that God will provide the funding I need to move to Austin and pursue children’s ministry. I told myself I was in hopes that I would see God work a miracle in my life, but as my deadline approaches, and my goal doesn’t seem to get any closer, I am realizing that I can’t predict God’s movement at all.
I have an extremely selfish side that feels really indignant that people don’t seem to want to back this ministry. I’m extremely passionate about it, and I’ve tried to live very generously with the money God has blessed me with, and there’s a twisted and arrogant part of me that actually believes I deserve to have financial support. There’s a negative and pitiful part of me that wants to give up and internalize the feeling of having failed at support raising, blaming myself for not being righteous enough, or not being diligent enough, or not being something enough. And still, after all these years of seeing God work by giving me things that I most need when I most need them, there is a part of me that wants to be angry with God and tries to blame Him for not understanding how important this is to me.
And then it hits me… how important is this to me? Is it more important to me than God? If He asks me to stay in Dallas, move back in with my parents, work a crappy job, and give up my dream of working in children’s ministry, does that give me good reason to doubt God’s goodness?
So yes, I’m mad and sad and scared and confused and jealous and tired and embarrassed. But I’m also humbled enough to crawl back to God and apologize for letting my ministry and fundraising goals become my focus over Him. Getting to a place where you have to look realistically and see that your dreams may never come true is hard. It might be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Even so, I choose to believe it will be worth it when God gives me new dreams and the means to achieve them.